6 Reasons Why I Want To Be A Girl

By Noah Scalin

1. Clothes
Men’s clothes, while generally stylish and timeless (minus that weird jumbo collar part of the 70’s), are dull. Unless you are a serious hardcore raver your options are limited to the basic suits, shirts, and pants. Women on the other hand get not only tons of new options every season, but they can wear men’s clothes too (as my early crush Annie Lennox circa 1983 did so well). Yes, I know I can wear a dress or skirt if I want to (and I have), but it’s a major lifestyle choice to deal with the response, and I’m just feeling too old for that lately. I’ve often said that if I were a girl I’d dress like my friend Beth, who rocks the punk/pirate/goth thing (AKA classic Vivienne Westwood ) like no one else I know, but male me in that getup is just creepy.
The only downfall is that women’s clothes are generally made like crap.

2. Shoes
See above (and yes I’ve bought women’s shoes in the past too.)

3. Pride
Being an (ostensibly¹) white and (ostensibly²) straight male that was raised a feminist I don’t feel like I have much to be proud of and I certainly don’t get any parades of my own. Yes I know the world is supposed to automatically be giving me this great advantage due to my
genitals and their color and preferred source of stimulation, but once you say no to the Man’s plan, there ain’t no goin’ back (at least for me). I do my part as an activist, but I can never be as cool as Susan B. Anthony or Mother (Mary Harris) Jones.

4. Body
Women’s bodies are just plain beautiful dammit. I’d chalk that statement up to my aforementioned sexual orientation, but just about every girl I know feels the same way. Happily with the emergence of neo-burlesque (and all-girl sideshow acts like The Pyrate Sisters) you don’t have to feel guilty about ogling. To be fair men’s bodies are mostly pretty good, but then you go downtown and it’s either a Jello jiggler or an overactive coat hook that greets you. It seems like nature had to rush to finish the job before the end of the day and just slapped something on. Of course this means if I were a girl I’d also have to be gay.

5. Groupies
OK this isn’t a particularly cool thing to be (unless you’re Cynthia Plaster Caster), but the fact is when I see a band I like there’s very little chance I’m gonna get a chance to hang out backstage with them afterwards. I keep hoping that a female performer will make an exception. Maybe I’ll give it a try at the next Nellie McKay concert³.

6. Babies
Giving birth is only the most amazing experience in life and the closest I’ll ever get is watching from the sidelines. Hell I could even deal with PMS if I knew that I was gonna get the opportunity to usher a new life into the world! Plus being a mom only increases the cool factor of anything else you do (see Kristin Hersh⁴). So yes I’m jealous of my mom and yours too.

¹I’m a Jew so I don’t believe I should be lumped in with the Anglo-Saxon crowd.
²OK so I’ve never wanted to kiss a dude, but I was a ballet dancer and costume designer so that should count for something.
³ I really wanted to say Julia Sweeney concert because she’s a terrific performer who should get mentioned more often, but she’s just not my type. However if being a male groupie for a female performer only entails hanging out and having a nice conversation over tea backstage, I’m there!
⁴ Not only is her regular music great, but she put out an awesomely creepy album of Appalachian kid’s music .

Noah Scalin is an activist graphic designer (http://www.alrdesign.com) and comic book rock star (http://www.spacepirate.org). He is not a girl.