Carol Hartsell, photo by Mindy Tucker
Recently, while doing a stand up set at the always hilarious “Drink at Work” show, I had the rare opportunity to see producer/writer Carol Hartsell perform. Reading a laugh-a minute, well-constructed piece entitled “Dear Every Woman in the Bar Other Than Me” she not only killed, but struck a chord deep inside my novice single-person’s heart. I decided Ms. Hartsell would be a prime subject for a discussion on what is sexy, and what, quite frankly, is not.
In “Dear Every Woman in the Bar…” Carol says: I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “That’s all well and good, but how are you, with your flat chest, year-old highlights, and ever-more-furrowed brow planning to steal men away from me, the 24-year-old, perfectly coiffed barista with a huge rack? Or me, the ambiguously ethnic, petite firecracker with the slammin’ ass? Or me, the naughty girl with glasses, pierced belly button and half shirt even in January? How are you, Carol plain and average height, going to turn eyes from me?” I would like to address your perfectly valid question in two parts. Part one, “Why I’m actually hotter than you.” And Part two, “Why you’re a vapid whore.”
Beware ladies; Carol is in fact hotter than you. Because, surprise surprise, not only do women find intelligence sexy, but so do men, and this is one smart chick. On smart equaling sexy Carol states, “Don’t call bullshit on this, but intelligence is sexy. I don’t mean faux, bespectacled, dramatically serious intelligence…but an intellectual nimbleness and curiosity is very sexy to me. Playfulness is also sexy.” Is their nothing sexier than a ferociously intelligent analytical discussion ending in passionate sex? A political debate in your underwear? Someone who can not only hold their own at Trivial Pursuit but also knows where a clitoris is?
In “Dear Every Woman” Carol gives a hilariously accurate, self-deprecating, description of herself:
I am a 32-year-old woman of reasonable charm, modest sex appeal, and considerable intelligence. In short, I can’t compete with you. If there are men around, you mostly need not worry about me. I won’t be getting in the way of you and whatever gentleman you’ve set your sites upon. You with your bubbly laugh, your low-cut blouse, your ample cleavage, your “let’s do shots!” battle-cry, your one story about you and your freshman year roommate. Yes, you are a flashing neon sign of sexual overture…and I, well I am a drinking buddy. A study partner. A good friend who deserves a good man. That is, until now.
On the surface, what is sexy about Carol, is her “one of the boys/ drinking buddy” quality. Carol dives into this aspect of herself, “Frankly, I have more guy friends than girlfriends so this is [all] a conjecture on my part to a degree. But there’s a big difference between being really invested in sex and being invested in the show of sex. I think women confuse that sometimes. I also think women tend to feel preyed upon so they in turn become predatory. Almost as though they purposefully objectify men because they feel objectified. I just want to have fun with a partner and have both of us feel like real people. I think if we could remove the idea of conquest from sex it would do us a lot of good.” Sex is confusing, and at times very complicated. The conquest itself is quite sexy, but Carol is right, the objectification of any gender is never sexy. As women we often feel like pieces of meat, but when we turn it around and treat men the same way, no one wins. Sex shouldn’t be a contest, but a celebration of two people’s mutual attraction and trust and if you’re lucky– love for each other.
It’s a learning process, out here in Single Dom. I often feel like I’m alone in a jungle I’ve never been to before, hacking through with nothing but a plastic knife. Carol clarifies her current relationship with sex as a fellow relatively single woman. “I feel weird a lot of the time with the change in status. I’ve never really even been single. I’ve always had boyfriends. I have nights where I feel charming and sexy and nights where, frankly, I feel like damaged goods. I think it will be a while before I feel at home in my skin. But it’s an exciting time certainly… I went to Babes in Toyland for the first time…” (An activity I highly recommend for both single and attached women.)
In “Dear Every Woman…” Carol honestly reveals exactly what it feels like to be single for the first time in a while:
For you see, ladies, I am a 32-year-old woman who just so happens to be horny, and much like a 200 lb. twelve-year-old who’s just walked three flights of steps, nothing is going to come between me and the dessert that I damn well have coming to me. Normally I enter a bar looking for drinks and conversation. But tonight, I entered it looking for dick. And, ladies, that means your evening’s agenda just ran into a huge fucking filibuster of mature pussy.
I assume Carol’s candidness about sex makes her feel sexy. To me, feeling sexy, and being sexy are not mutually exclusive. If you’re not feeling it, there’s no way anyone else can. Some of my most ridiculous outfits make me feel incredibly sexy. I have an old tee-shirt that I have sincerely gotten asked out or hooked up in every single time I have worn it out since becoming single again. The shirt is not hot at all, but I feel hot in it, and people can sense that. Carol comments on outward sex appeal, “There are different ways of being sexually outward…there’s the show of it and then there’s actually being it. If I don’t feel sexy, I won’t even try because it will come off false. I think maybe the most common misconception of outwardly sexual women is that they aren’t feeling something pure or valuable. Truly feeling sexy and wanting sex, it’s like feeling elated by art or music. It’s important. And sometimes you feel that way and you don’t even want to take someone home…you just want to revel in
how you feel about yourself and the person or person’s around you. That’s also important. Connecting with someone on a sexual level is tied into your intellect and your emotions just as much as your body…but we tend to treat it flippantly.”
Personally, I think sexy is a state of mind. Sure, there are specific physical traits I will always find sexy: dark hair, full lips, strong hands. But a total dork with a great sense of humor, or a shy guy who can hold his own in a sing along of classic rock songs can win me over anytime. But if you’re a shy guy singing “More Than a Feeling” just to impress me, then it’s never going to happen. Carol had similar things to say on sexy-show-offs: “People who need everyone to realize how sexy they are all the time [are not sexy]. Girls kissing [each other] for the sake of men watching them is not sexy. Girls kissing [each other] for real, another story. Oh, not using your tongue when you kiss is not sexy. ..Me at the end of a long night is not sexy. Obviously, uncomfortable shoes are not sexy. Silence is not sexy. OH…seduction is NOT sexy. If I feel like a guy is trying to seduce me I’m gone. It’s an insult to my intelligence. You are not going to trick me into fucking you, idiot!”
Sex, being sexy, being single, getting laid, it’s a learning process that never ends. Carol’s out there whacking through the jungle of single life with her machete in one hand and her beer in the other. What she doesn’t know is that there is a trail of cute boys following her through that vast jungle, just a few steps behind.
Carol’s closing statement of “Dear Every Woman:”
I would like to point out that you’re all probably wondering if I really am the kind of jerk who would characterize all of the other women in a bar as vapid whores…. To be honest, no. But if I’ve done anything tonight, I’ve hopefully made all of you ladies just insecure enough to make you question your every gesture, word or step. And if I’ve done that, then I’ve successfully leveled the playing field enough to insure that I get laid tonight. Thank you.
I insist you go see Carol Hartsell perform “Dear Every Woman in the Bar Except Me” in its entirety set to music at “Sweet Paprika” Friday March 9 at 10:30 at the D-Lounge 101 East 15th. On Thursday March 8 at 8:00 “Drink At Work” will present “Barely Famous” at Comix, 353 West 14th St. Her weekly variety show “Drink at Work” can be seen every Tuesday night at 8:00 at Rififi, 332 East 11th St. 
Comment by lauren frohne — February 28, 2007 @ 1:04 pm