Inside Jen Dziura’s Fan Mail

Dear HelloHilarious,

For anyone who wonders whether female comedians are deluged with groupies and lauded beyond our wildest girlhood dreams, I’d like to share with your readers this recent piece of “fanmail.”

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I see that you are a comedienne. I listen to the Raw Dog channel on Sirius, and I have never heard of you.
I hastily assumed that you were a lesbian, as almost all of the female comediennes on the Raw Dog are lesbians (Suzanne Westenhoefer, Patton Oswalt, Judy Gold, etc.) — and they talk about their virginias ad nauseam. It doesn’t appear that you are a lesbian or have embraced lesbianism — which is fine — but it seems like in order to have an HBO special or be on the Raw Dog, you have to be a lesbian and talk non-stop about the problems your virginia is giving you.
—

A few notes:

1. Patton Oswalt is a man.

2. I am, in fact, from the state of Virginia, but that reading of the text results in mere Dadaism.

3. It appears that you are trying to form a syllogism. However, “You are a comedienne; I hear comediennes on Raw Dog; you are not on Raw Dog; therefore, I am a misogynistic weirdo with spelling issues” is not a correct use of this logical form.

Sincerely,
Jennifer Dziura
jenisfamous.com